


So Little Left to Give

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 10:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11942340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey, Reid,” Garcia said, her voice shaking slightly as her heels clicked on the pavement. “Do you mind if I come over for a little bit? I’d really like to talk to someone.”

Sighing, Spencer pushed up the bed, his head heavy after such a horrible nap following an even worse headache. Though it had been over a year since Maeve had died in front of him, he still dreamt of her. It always started out well. They’d be sitting in a coffee shop discussing the works of Arthur Conan Doyle or dancing, badly of course, in the middle of a barren moonlit street outside his apartment. Just as he would slip into sweet reverie, he’d be pulled out by a drastic change - a car hurdling towards them, her skin peeling off before his eyes - something that woke him up in a panic, the sweat drenching him to the bone. “Sure, Penelope,” he said, even though his head was pounding. “What’s wrong?” He could tell she was trying to conceal the tremor in her voice, but it wasn’t working well. 

“Sam just broke up with me.” While he did feel awful for her, his interrupted dream played through his head. Sam had probably called things off because of their schedules; they hadn’t had much time to spend together, but at least he was alive, at least she didn’t have to see her lover get shot in front of her eyes not just once, but over and over again every time she closed her eyes. That wasn’t her reality; but it was Spencer’s. “He said that we never get to see each other, which we don’t. Work gets in the way a lot, but I really cared about him and now he’s gone. He’ll go on with someone else and I’m just sad…”

Spencer took a deep breath and exhaled, trying his best not to give away the fact that he didn’t really want to play the shoulder to cry on right now. “It’s going to be okay,” he said, forcing some levity into his voice. “Come on over. I have some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer.”

The way her voice immediately picked up made him feel guilty about wanting to turn her away so he could drown in his own interrupted thoughts. “Thanks, Boy Wonder, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

As she’d said, Garcia arrived moments later and Reid gave her a hug, swaying back and forth in the doorway of his apartment. She cried at first. After her parents died, she’d never truly been alone; she hadn’t allowed herself to be for fear of what that loneliness would bring. But after letting the tears out on his shoulder, her spirits picked up, and they both sat on his couch, watched Doctor Who and ate cookie dough ice cream until nearly 2 in the morning. He had a good time while she was there, and he did feel good knowing that he’d helped his friend through a difficult time, but the minute he closed the door behind her, his thoughts turned once again to his lost love, which then spiraled into thoughts of not being good enough, of not doing enough to help people, of not ever having someone to share his life with. As he walked into his room, a lone tear fell from his eye. The lone tear turned into puddles, and soon after, he fell asleep drowning in them. 

—–

It was always. Whether it be Penelope pining over Sam, or even Kevin, who she’d broken up with years ago, or JJ unloading on him after a disagreement with Will, or Morgan breaking up with yet another girlfriend because of their hectic schedules. It was always something, and he was always there. If his friends needed him, he was there, no matter what he was doing or how he was feeling himself; he always did it, because he didn’t know how to be anything else. No matter how good he felt helping others, he had to admit it was exhausting - watching as other people walked away with smiles and hope while he was left with neither. He was so tired.

A buzzing in his pocket snapped him out of his thoughts. That always seemed to be the way. He’d be off in another world, thinking about everything that had gone wrong in his life and how lonely he felt, and then someone would need comforting. When he picked up the phone, it was Blake. She and James had had a fight and she wanted to talk to someone. Of course, Spencer agreed to see her. He loved every one of his teammates, but with Blake it was different. There was something about his relationship with her that he couldn’t deny. Maybe it was because she reminded him of his mother - who his mother would’ve been if it hadn’t been for her diagnosis. 

Before long, he found himself once again sitting across from a friend in need, giving of himself when he had so little to give. “What happened, Alex?”

“James wants me to go teach with him…at Harvard, but I’ve worked so hard to get back to where I am in the Bureau. I just can’t.”

This was the first time he’d heard about Blake leaving. Even the thought made his heart jump. They’d gotten so close. She couldn’t leave. Not her too. “What did you say to him?”

“I told him I can’t do that,” she replied. “He misses me. Having a relationship like other people do, and I miss that too, but one of the things that made me fall in love with him is that he understood that the job came first. I’ve worked too hard to get back in good standing with the Bureau, but I don’t want to lose James. He’s been my only constant.”

“Do you want to know what I think?” he asked, fully expecting her to say no and being taken aback when she stated otherwise. “I had what you had for a short time, and I’d give anything to have it again. If it were to come down to choosing between James and the job, I’d choose love, but considering that the two of you have managed your relationship the way you have for so long already, I think you just need to express that to him again. That you can’t leave yet. Maybe one day, but not now.” The last word was barely audible and he cleared his throat in an attempt to mask his desperation. 

Alex chuckled softly. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right. Thanks, Reid.”

“It’s nothing,” he said. In a way it was and in a way it wasn’t. “It’s what friends are for.” 

After a little more conversation, more trivial than serious, Alex gave Reid a hug and thanked him once again for being the friend she’s always needed. “See you at work?”

“See you at work,” he replied. And with that they both turned away from each other and towards home. Presumably, Alex felt better having talked out her troubles with someone that was thinking with a level head, at least an assumed level head. And Spencer should’ve felt better, knowing he’d helped a friend, a good friend, through a difficult time, but once again he felt hollow. His friend walked away with her fears allayed, at least for the time being, while his fears and sorrows crept in closer and closer, and threatening to engulf him while he slept. He wanted to give so much, but there was only so much he had left to give.


	2. A New Start

Day in and day out, Spencer did what he could for his friends, because if he didn’t, he felt worse about himself than he already did. Those spiraling thoughts would swirl harder within his mind until the only thing he could do to make himself feel better was sleep. 

Growing up, he’d never had friends, so the desire to be a friend to everyone drove his very being, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to be able to take helping everyone through their problems, both big and small, while he still wallowed in his own problems. In his mind, his problems would never permanently go away, they would float in and out of existence, so why spend time on himself when he could help someone else – any one of the people he loved so much. 

He knew he wasn’t okay. He realized that he wasn’t acting the same way around his friends as he normally had. But he was so deep in a hole he really wasn’t sure how to get himself out, or even how to go about starting to get himself out. For all his intelligence, he wasn’t sure where to go save for walk through limbo for the foreseeable future. 

“Hey, Spence,” JJ said cheerfully as he walked in that morning. She gave him a small wave, a bright smile adorning her face. She’d said something the previous night about having a movie night with Henry; they must’ve enjoyed themselves. 

Spencer did his very best to give her his normal toothless smile and wave, but even as he was trying to force it he could tell it didn’t come off the right way. Deeply and truly, he felt like he was walking through a world that was moving at a slightly faster pace than he was. Things were happening around him and he was well aware of what they were, but he couldn’t for the life of him react fast enough. “Hi, JJ,” he replied after sitting down at his desk. 

As the morning wore on and the rest of the team came in, Spencer watched the smiles on their faces, wondering what put them there and how he might be able to feel that way himself. After a while, he found himself too saddened by his circumstances to pay attention to everyone else, so he lost himself in his paperwork and allowed his mind to go blank, for when his mind was blank, he existed just as he was, instead of remaining with the mounting hopes and expectations that drew the air right out of his lungs day after day. 

\---

“Hotch,” JJ said as she walked into his office that morning. “Can I talk to you?”

The Unit Chief nodded and ushered her in. He had a feeling he knew what she wanted to talk about, and it had been troubling him too. “Is something wrong?”

JJ grimaced, sitting down across from Hotch as she contemplated how to go about this. She just knew she had to do something; Spencer wasn’t okay. “Lately, I’ve been noticing that Spencer seems particularly troubled…he hasn’t spoken to me about anything, but I think he might be depressed.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of too,” he sighed. For months, Hotch had noticed that Spencer was the one that people went to in order to work through their problems. It might have made sense considering all that he’d been through; he could tell where everyone was coming. If Spencer was nothing else, he was empathetic. But despite all his empathy, and his desire to help the ones he loved, he couldn’t be everything to everyone and still manage to hold himself together, and if Hotch had to hazard a guess, Spencer had been falling apart for a few months. “I’ve noticed it on and off for a while. I was actually going to talk to everyone this week and see if they wanted to talk to him together.”

JJ nodded hopefully, the eagerness to help her friend overriding everything else. “I’m in. Whenever. Just let me know.”

\---

Over the course of the next week, Hotch called Alex, Garcia, Rossi and Morgan into his office. All four of them could pinpoint one time or another over the last three months that Spencer had helped them through something, but not that he’d confided in them. They’d all noticed that he seemed to be walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and due to his pride and his long-standing existence of loneliness and isolation, he probably wouldn’t come to any of them unless he was truly at rock bottom.

They were going to cut this off before it began. Hitting rock bottom wasn’t going to happen as long as his team had anything to say about it. At the start of the next week, Hotch called everyone into the round table room for a briefing for the next case, but there was no case to be had, and everyone knew it but Spencer.

“Spence,” JJ said. She’d elected to start things out because he would undoubtedly be more open to her than anyone else. “We’re worried about you.”

\---

He shouldn’t have felt betrayed. He should’ve felt grateful, but he wasn’t. “Why?” he asked hotly, his brows furrowing in annoyance. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Morgan replied quickly. Spencer was about to protest again, but Morgan lifted his finger and told him to shut up for a second. “I know you don’t know how to accept help. You rarely do and believe me I get it. It’s one of the things we have in common, but you are walking around helping everyone else and you aren’t taking care of yourself.”

So they’d noticed. Of course they did, he thought to himself. They’re profilers; that’s what they do. As they all continued to speak, Spencer did his best to keep the tears at bay. They were fighting so hard to come out, but he knew as soon as they were released, they wouldn’t stop, and he didn’t want to lose control over one of the few things he’d had control of anymore, so again he found himself denying it. “I appreciate your concern, everyone,” he said, looking down at his lap where he was fidgeting his fingers together. “But I’m okay.”

“Spencer,” Alex said, noticing that he was about to stand up and leave. For some reason, she had the power to keep him in place – even more so than JJ. Alex’s voice was soothing, like his mother’s, and concern poured out of every word like thick molasses. “In the past few months, I know I’ve come to you a few times, and you’ve helped me so much. Please let us help you.” It was the small break in her voice at the end of the sentence that broke him.

A few lone tears rolled down his cheeks, and then more, and then they were coming in droves. “What can you do to help?” He asked, his voice cracking like glass near to breaking. “How can I be helped? I should be fine.”

“But you’re not,” Garcia said, placing her hand over his. “You know we are always here to talk, but you need the help of a professional. Someone you can talk to whose job it is to understand what you’re going through.”

“I don’t even know what I’m going through!” He snapped. Garcia only held on tighter. “I have a good job. I have great friends. Why am I not okay?!”

“Sometimes the mind feels how it feels with no explanation,” Hotch said. He was leaned up against the doorframe of the conference room keeping watch over his flock. He hated when any one of them were in pain, because they were all so close; if one was in pain, they were all in pain. “None of us have an answer, but a professional might.”

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. He honestly wasn’t even sure why he was sad, so how was he supposed to talk to a doctor. 

Rossi pulled out a card with a couple of names on it. “These are the best psychiatrists in the area,” he said with a strained smile. “Will you call one of them? Please? We all care about you too much to watch you walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

Spencer closed his eyes, the tears hot against his skin as they fell to the ground. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll call someone.” When he looked up, all of his friends were crying as well. One by one, they all got up and gave him hugs. JJ, Alex and Garcia of course peppered his face in millions of kisses.

Alex was the last one to leave. With her arms outstretched, she gathered him into her and cupped the back of his head. “I know how hard it can be to talk with people, but we are all here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. At all.” For a few moments, Spencer just silently cried into her shoulder, and she held him like he was her own child whose knee had just been scraped outside. “Sometimes we are just sad. The point is that we take the necessary steps in order to not stay there. This is the beginning and we’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

When Spencer pulled away, Alex grabbed his face in both her hands and kissed his cheek. “I am always here.” She too realized the connection they had. Although JJ was his best friend, Alex was fairly certain that Spencer felt most comfortable confiding in her. “Always. Anytime. No matter what.”

Spencer nodded her head and gave her another small hug before walking out of the conference room and back toward his desk. Everything went back to normal, with all kinds of hustle and bustle around the office as he stared at the card. For the rest of the day, he did paperwork and looked up the names of the psychiatrists that Rossi had given him. He found one that struck him in particular and dialed the phone. “Hello, this is Dr. Musajati’s office. How can I help you?”

“My name is Dr. Spencer Reid,” he said as Alex passed his desk. “I was wondering if you were taking new patients and if I might be able to make an appointment.”

Thankfully, they were, so he made an appointment for the following week and hung up the phone, feeling slightly lighter than he had in weeks. “All ready for next week.” 

“Good,” Alex smiled. “A new start. Wanna go out for lunch? You and me? We can talk a little.”

Spencer stood up and grabbed his jacket, sliding it on as he pushed his desk in. “I’d like that,” he replied.

As they began walking toward the elevator to go to lunch, he could tell with each step that this was going to be a long and arduous process, but he’d done it before, and he could do it again.


End file.
